9 p.m.: Larry King begins his exclusive by asking Paris Hilton a provocative question: "Why are you doing this interview?" The glamorous ex-con bats her fake eyelashes and replies, "I consider you an icon." Oh my, this could get ugly!

9:03: Paris talks about her 8x10 cell. It had a "metal bunkbed," "a toilet" and "a little metal desk." Perfect for writing little mental notes.

9:04: Jailhouse cuisine is "horrible." Poor Paris was forced to eat "mystery meat" and "jail slop." What, no sea bass? No filet mignon? This is an outrage!

9:05: "I wore the orange jumpsuit just like everybody else," says Paris, somewhat stunned by her own revelation.

9:06: "God does make everything happen for a reason," says Paris, as God reacts with a puzzled, "Say what?"

9:07: We learn Paris read a lot of books and fan mail while locked up, including notes from soldiers in Iraq. Hard to believe the war is going so poorly.

9:11: "The whole idea of being in jail is really scary," says Paris, adding the sky is blue and poor people dress kinda weird.

9:12: What? She had to talk to visitors from behind glass? What kind of jail was this?

9:13: "I will never drink and drive again," says Paris. Larry nods and suggests she call a limo the next time she's craving a take-out burger. You know, like we all do.

9:14: Paris smiles and promises to "follow all the laws." Good thing stupidity isn't a criminal offence.

9:15: Paris opens up about her claustrophobia, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, not eating and not sleeping. Ironically, Larry appears to have drifted asleep.

9:17: In jail, Paris meditated, wrote in her journal and pretended she was in her "special place." Funny, millions of viewers have just gone to their special places.

9:23: Says Paris: "I think in life everyone makes mistakes." Right. She just makes a lot of them.

9:24: Oh lord, she's now reading from her prison journal. Something about adversity, the process, the journey, blah blah blah, a new beginning. Hallmark? Any job openings?

9:25: Thought-bubble over Larry's head: "Kid, you are really dumb."

9:27: Asked what she doesn't like about herself, Paris says her voice, like, when she gets nervous. Damn, just lost the office pool.

9:31: Paris says she has attention deficit disorder. She also doesn't like booze, nor does she like drugs. What, you were expecting honesty tonight?

9:35: More ADD talk. Lots of awkward pauses. This interview has certainly lived down to all expectations. I wish I had ADD so I could change the channel.

9:41: Sensing this interview is going nowhere fast, Larry asks about other female celebutantes.

9:43: "I consider myself normal," says Paris, winking her third eye.

9:44: Paris says she wouldn't harm the paparazzi. Because that could be illegal, right?

9:48: Paris says she ordered a Bible while in jail. She thought the menu said, "Bicycle."

9:49: "I've always been religious," she adds, as lightning strikes across the planet.

9:49: On her mugshot, Larry says, "I've seen worse." "Thank you," coos Paris. Larry? Could you at least start referring to her as 9818783 to liven this thing up?

9:50: Paris was strip-searched and it wasn't anything like the home videos she used to make.

9:52: More from her prison journal. I'm too bored to repeat it.

9:58: Larry asks her to name her favourite Bible passage. Silence. Says Paris, "I don't have a favourite."